I don't know how to say it but I'm struggling with this diagnosis. I'm mad and angry and I don't like the changes and sleepless nights. I constantly move in my sleep and I'm exhausted on a regular basis and my thoughts run off and I get upset with myself over them and then I try to reason with ME my heart says to fight and my spirit says I'm to be a warrior and fight this and then my mind makes me think other thoughts like people don't care about me now that I have this disease and I hate the phone ringing why I don't know it bothers me and I really don't know why I only know it bothers me. Then there is my shortness with myself and others the funny thing is I do it to myself too. It is weird and I'm being very honest about this out loud and it is not easy. I've been scared to get up here and be real for quite sometime the adjustment to this disease has thrown me a curve ball and I didn't catch it and now I trying to and I don't know if I can so to speak.
I feel my family thinks I'm tainted and crazy for taking the test and I'm at arms length like they are scared of me or of it in me. I never thought of this being like this for me and I don't even feel like I actually feel as though I should just stay away from everyone and go reclusive so I don't put them through what I can't even control and that is probably the worst thing for me is losing control, I'm not a follower and it is making me follow to some place I don't want to go and it has no light at the end only sadness. Maybe I'm sad for me and I don't know how to get a grip on it maybe I'm depressed and trying to figure it out with an unreasonable mind or maybe I'm not as strong as I try to let on to be and I believe it's a little bit of all of them and I want to think I'm a good person and compassionate and all those wonderful traits we all wish to have.
I feel like the person I thought I had finally fought so hard to find was never there to begin with and it was all just a figment of my own imagination seeing how nothing really seems real because it's tainted by HD and it's got me and I'm begging it to let go and it won't and it's laughing at me because it is in control and I am so confused at how I got here that tunnel vision as set in and I'm struggling.
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